Wish I had a Warning

              I do not envy Junior’s situation whatsoever. He has a very difficult home life and the whole end of the world thing is a major bummer. However, I must admit that I would have appreciated an (almost) all-knowing voice giving me helpful advice as a child. Such a presence could have helped me avoid some of my more embarrassing or trying moments. My own personal narrator would have sounded like this:

            As a child, you will think you know far more than you really do; most, if not all, children think the same way. However, with our help, you may actually have the advantage of more knowledge than the others. First of all, when you reach the age of three years old, you parents will bring another child home. He will cry a lot and sometimes emit displeasing smells. People will come to bring him gifts and have nothing for you. You will experience feelings of jealousy toward the child, but you must resist the temptation to lash out. This will only earn you timeouts in your bedroom. The cuter you act and the more willingly you sit still for photographs, the more likely it is that others will come to bring you presents as well. At the age of seven years, your parents will move your family far from home. You will threaten to run away and claim that you will never feel happy again. Do not worry, this is not true. Ohio may seem strange at first; people will say things like “pop,” instead of “soda.” Yet, you must try to maintain a positive attitude because you will grow to love your new town despite the fact that they have ten months of winter. One day, your father will offer to trim your bangs. He will only have the best intentions at heart; however, you must rebuff his offer at all costs. His in expertise will result in a fourth grade photo that looks as though you went to the salon where Edward Scissorhands works. In the fifth grade, you will discover a beautiful (or so you will think) pair of purple wooden clogs. These are not as fashionable as you think and have the tendency to set off the sound of explosions every time you climb the Intermediate school stairs. Furthermore, as a young child, you will experience the urge to twirl around the house with your eyes closed: beware and make sure to close all basement doors beforehand. Also, make sure to tie your hair back when using the blender, especially if you ever make snicker doodles. The resulting tangle could cause a rather obvious bald spot. But, remember most of all that if you do make mistakes, at the very least have funny stories to tell about them.

  These photos are probably worse than my fourth grade one